Me, Mona and DaVinci

PF and Mona Lisa


Me, Mona and DaVinci

I love art.

So needless to say I was very excited when I showed up for my visit with Mona Lisa and she was sitting in Leonardo DaVinci’s studio! I walked quietly in, took a seat in the back and started digging into my second pint of Mocha Almond Fudge.

Mona looked happy. She had a big smile on her face and was chatting up Leo. After a moment I waved from the back — just to let her know I was here.

“Yo Mona!,” I said, “Looking good!…just wanted to say hi, don’t let me interrupt!”

Well the next thing I knew she got all bitchy telling me she thought I was coming on Tuesday and it was only Friday and blah, blah, blah, I’d heard it all before.

I calmly told her I had a cancellation due to an unexpected pregnancy so I got here early. “Just relax,” I told her, “have some chips.” (I always like to bring plenty of reserve snacks for my clients.)

She said she had big plans for the weekend. Her and DaVinci were finally getting serious and planning a big romantic getaway and now that I showed up everything was ruined.

Whatever. Like I said, heard it all before, Sister. Then I gave her a huge cramp just to remind her who had the power. (Yes, I use my powers when necessary.)

Anyway, that big toothy grin quickly disappeared. That’s when Leo got really pissed. He asked me to leave and I explained that rescheduling was not an option. After a heated discussion on woman’s physiology with Mr. Genius Inventor, he picked up his easel and hit me over the head with it. Renaissance Man? I don’t think so. (See, this is why my health care premiums keep going up.)

While I was around he never could get that big smile out of her again and decided to paint her anyway. I actually think that’s a good thing. I have serious doubts that painting would have ever been a masterpiece without me there.

Mona had a big sugar addiction and rarely brushed and this was way before fluoride and floss. Her teeth were pretty scary.


“Extra Baggage”

“Extra Baggage”

For close to 10 years I made a trip to a small island 1200 miles south of Howland Island. An island not on any map and so tiny, no one saw it bobbing in the Pacific Ocean.  It’s there that I would visit Amelia.  Yes, Amelia Earhart. She’d been there since 1937, alive and well.

The first couple of months were tough. She’d say to me, ‘You come every month and annoy me for a week, can’t you tell someone where I am?”  I’d say, ‘Sorry, no can do, I have a strict confidentiality agreement with all my clients. Now where are those cocoa plants?”  (Not Godiva, but gets you by in a pinch.) She’d toss me a grouper instead and I’d swear to myself I gotta find another job.  At night we’d light the SOS logs on fire and I’d tell her the latest conspiracy theory on her disappearance.

“So people think I was captured by the Japanese?’ She’d say. “Yep.” I’d say.  “Squash that rumor, will ya?, She said, “we need to keep the peace with them right now. And if I hadn’t learned about sushi in Tokyo, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

That’s what I liked about her: she was a positive person. Which is a rare thing when I’m visiting.  I’m not saying I didn’t get the occasional coconut to the head when she was really moody, but this was a woman who lived life on her own terms, something I’ve noticed make a lot of my clients happy.

Around 1946 my visits to that island were tapering off. Until the fall of 1948 when I had my last visit with her. I could tell she was sad about the Change.

“Come on, cheer up, you’ve inspired countless women to soar to new heights!”   (I like puns. Deal with it.)   “You bucked the traditional system Amelia!”  (I’d learned a bit about motivational speaking at this point from Eva Peron.)

“But I’m not finished.”  she said.  “That’s up to you.” I said.  As I flew away that last time I looked back and saw her working on the engine of her plane, the Electra, once again.  And after a moment I could have sworn I heard the sound of an engine start to rumble.

It was either that or my stomach. It’d been a week since I had a tub of Rocky Road and man I was hungry.


Adam and Eve and Me

‘Adam & Eve & Me’

I’ve been around since the dawn of Womankind. Eve was my first client. Adam, my first enemy. (He blindsided me with a watermelon to the head, I still have the scar.) Anyway, about 28 days after Adam and Eve showed up in the Garden of Eden I paid Eve a visit.

This being my first assignment I was eager to please and chose a leafy green sweat suit to blend in. I calmly explained to Eve that I came along with Womankind and that bloating, moodiness and cramps usually came along with me.

Eve quickly snapped, “Can’t you visit Adam instead? I mean, I was made out of this rib thing from him and I think I’d like to give him this in exchange.”

I said it doesn’t work that way and suggested a larger fig leaf to cover the bloating. Well, Eve got all bitchy and yelled to Adam to bring her some Advil and a Hershey bar. He was confused, but wanting to please her, he said he would search for the tree bearing the Advil fruit.

When he came back with a nice pineapple instead Eve chucked it at his groin and yelled, ‘You just don’t understand women, do you?’ and started to cry. And right there I created the division of the sexes and the inspiration to every country song ever written.

Soon after that Adam realized he wasn’t getting any, and decided three was a crowd in the Garden and quickly showed us the ivy covered exit gate.

That story about a big talking snake with an apple – not true.

No man was ever going to admit that Eve was kicked out of the Garden of Eden because of the Period Fairy, so he created a big macho snake scenario.

Anyway, soon after Adam followed us saying he was sorry and he missed Eve. That’s when I created the line, ‘Men. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t shoot ‘em.’ Eve looked at me oddly and I said, “Just pass it down through the generations, sooner or later, it’ll work. Trust me.”

Then she turned to me and said, “You’re kinda getting on my nerves, when are you leaving?’ I told her about 4-7 days. I was kind of hurt by the attitude. But this being my first client I didn’t understand the irritability that would accompany me. I was just doing my job. So I created PMS, just to be mean. Looking back, probably not a nice thing to do, but my head still hurt from the watermelon incident and I wasn’t thinking clearly.


Pilot webisode is online.

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