2009
11.09

Adam and Eve and Me

‘Adam & Eve & Me’

I’ve been around since the dawn of Womankind. Eve was my first client. Adam, my first enemy. (He blindsided me with a watermelon to the head, I still have the scar.) Anyway, about 28 days after Adam and Eve showed up in the Garden of Eden I paid Eve a visit.

This being my first assignment I was eager to please and chose a leafy green sweat suit to blend in. I calmly explained to Eve that I came along with Womankind and that bloating, moodiness and cramps usually came along with me.

Eve quickly snapped, “Can’t you visit Adam instead? I mean, I was made out of this rib thing from him and I think I’d like to give him this in exchange.”

I said it doesn’t work that way and suggested a larger fig leaf to cover the bloating. Well, Eve got all bitchy and yelled to Adam to bring her some Advil and a Hershey bar. He was confused, but wanting to please her, he said he would search for the tree bearing the Advil fruit.

When he came back with a nice pineapple instead Eve chucked it at his groin and yelled, ‘You just don’t understand women, do you?’ and started to cry. And right there I created the division of the sexes and the inspiration to every country song ever written.

Soon after that Adam realized he wasn’t getting any, and decided three was a crowd in the Garden and quickly showed us the ivy covered exit gate.

That story about a big talking snake with an apple – not true.

No man was ever going to admit that Eve was kicked out of the Garden of Eden because of the Period Fairy, so he created a big macho snake scenario.

Anyway, soon after Adam followed us saying he was sorry and he missed Eve. That’s when I created the line, ‘Men. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t shoot ‘em.’ Eve looked at me oddly and I said, “Just pass it down through the generations, sooner or later, it’ll work. Trust me.”

Then she turned to me and said, “You’re kinda getting on my nerves, when are you leaving?’ I told her about 4-7 days. I was kind of hurt by the attitude. But this being my first client I didn’t understand the irritability that would accompany me. I was just doing my job. So I created PMS, just to be mean. Looking back, probably not a nice thing to do, but my head still hurt from the watermelon incident and I wasn’t thinking clearly.

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